the challenge

[WEDNESDAY 27 JUNE 2012]
I woke up this morning and I told myself "I will finish the morse code canvas today".  This is my intention, and this is my challenge.  I have a deadline to submit the painting for a competition this Sunday.

I begin in the loft, but very soon move the canvas outside, propped up on paint tins again.  I flood the blackness with Phthalo blue straight from the tube, then lighten the glow where it should bounce back off the craggy crevice, using a soft brush to gently blend.  I touch up the very edges of the crack with white to show the light glinting back off the rock. I dry brush a mid-to-light blue spilling out of the crack and leaking out onto the vertical rock surface. I take it too far on the top of the crack.  I curse myself and take a break.

By the afternoon, threatened by rain, I have moved inside to the spare bedroom with the canvas stood on a box. I am in crisis. I have taken photos and looked at them on a computer to get a slightly different perspective. I find myself thinking I am not good enough to paint, that I should just give up. None of that thrill that I get when things are going well and the neon is singing to me. No, none of that. I sit and stare. I feel feverish with nervous energy, knowing that I need to get this finished today, and to my satisfaction.  I drink a beer. Quickly... A decision: I turn the canvas upside down and knock back some of the over-exaggerated spilling glow with oil paint, charcoal, indian ink and water. Flip it back round and take another photo. It goes on like this until I feel I can do no more. Am I happy with it? I look back at the tiny dots and dashes of light: how about re-instating those little flares of light from each of them?

At some time just around 5pm I down tools. I cannot tell if it is good, but I need to take photos before the light goes. Maybe when I look at them tomorrow I will be happy with what I see, but for now I feel empty and just a little bereft.  It has been a long day, and I leave the morse code canvas which shall henceforth be known as Cry For Help 2.