listless, directionless, rudderless

[THURSDAY 20 AUGUST 2009]
I woke up late, I’m still tired, and my hayfever is spoiling the show somewhat. I have just temporarily retired ‘I THINK OF YOU AND I SMILE’ to the spare bedroom. The spare room is in a state of undecoration, so the painting fits in well there with its dilapidated looks. I will leave it there to mature and gain some independence, and hopefully when I return to it in a few weeks it will be ready to face the world.

It always leaves a gaping hole when I finish a painting (or at least stop werking on one). I know I have two top-secret paintings to be getting on with, but it’s the ones like ‘SMILE’ that I really care about.

But I must press on with the top-secret werks, as I only have 2 weeks to finish number 2, and 3 weeks to finish number 3. Why the top-secret-ness you may be wondering? Well, I’m not labouring under any grand delusions that anyone actually reads what goes on around here, but as it is in the public domain, there is still an ultra-slim chance they might stumble across it and spoil the surprise.

I am now officially flagging. I’ve werked on number 3, and put it aside. Propped that wretched ‘rock face’ on the easel and been tempted to scrub out the whole pink neon area. Painted three sides of number 2 black, for want of anything constructive to do. I am sorely tempted to call it a day. Maybe I’ll stop for lunch. Maybe everything will seem okay after that.

I’m back. I’ve had lunch, a coffee, a power-nap/lie-down, and a piece of cake. I took a sneak peak at ‘SMILE’ and was pleased with what I saw. Even number 2 is starting to sing out to me.

So why do I feel listless, directionless, rudderless? I was awake for a long time last night, thinking about all the things I desperately wanted to achieve, feeling like I was being left behind, floundering in the wake of so many others who have been secretly beavering away whilst my back is turned. Have I bitten off mouthfuls from too many pies? I felt like I was completely out on a limb...

---[I've decided to cut the text here. I certainly don't want to read through it again, so I'm sure no-one else who stumbles in here will want to]---

There is just me, in a boatful of ideas, in the middle of a vast, flat sea. The way things stand, no-one will see any of my latest masterpieces, no matter how loud I shout about them.

Of course all this is just a metaphorical realisation that maybe I have too many things on the boil at one time: 2 DJ nights; 1 music Blog; these paintings and this blog; a band on hiaitus, which I’m trying to keep ticking over; a load of songs, which don’t fit that band, and which just keep coming; and a part-time job making jigsaws, which I, thankfully, only need to think about when I’m actually doing it. And then I have to try and promote all these things to get other people to listen and take an interest. I also have a wife who I miss, and who misses me, when I’m only home for 3-and-a-half days of the week.

I think it’s time I went home and had a rest, and worked out where I’m going…